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I've been to Forest Lawn.
I had not wanted to go, but with an 11 hour flight, it means I better go, cause I won't be back too soon. And I knew I had to.
I buy white roses at the Forest Lawn flower shop and decide I'd rather place them myself (One can ask for placement inside for an extra $3 fee).
My friends are in the car with me and ask if they should come with me, and I say no. Categorically no. This is my thing to do.
So, I sit in the car and I stall. I really don't want to get out of the car, so I stall. Then, one deep breath, final look at the clock which tells me 10 to 12 noon (so enough time before our flight), and I get out of the car. I refuse to turn around and stare at Forest Lawn for a while, not looking at Holly Terrace.
Then I walk over to the Holly Terrace entrance and am startled by the small side entrance character it has. There are some bouquets of sunflowers in the corner before you walk up to the entrance. I slowly make my way there and stand in front of it like a fool. I don't know what to do with myself.
I decide the roses should be split up and 'guard the door'. Each rose is one of my girls. So, we guard his door. At least for a day...
And then I squat in front of the door, leaning against the wall. Staring at it, trying to understand. And I just start sobbing, sobbing so hard I am shaking, and I want to scream. God, in heaven I SO WANT TO SCREAM!!! "How could you leave us. How could you ever leave us", but I cannot scream, my voice is gone. So my mind screams, oh yeah, my mind really screams! Thank God nobody is there. If I could I would have brought the building down brick by brick. I was so furious. so sad, so lonely. So... lost. This is not closure. This is just tearing it all open again.
I keep sitting in front of Holly Terrace until I somewhat start calming down. This is just so surreal. It's not happening. It cannot, but I know it is. I should leave. We have to catch our flight. I don't want to leave. I did not really want to stay either......
About another hour we are at the airport, and I look at my watch and it is 12. My watch had stopped at 12. At Forest Lawn. At Holly Terrace. Was it when my mind was screaming in pain? I don't know. But I know I was at Holly Terrace from 10 to 12 until 12.30. And all I am thinking now is... maybe he was there with me? Did he hear me?
...with a tender touch you know me so well, somebody once said it's the soul that matters....
You ARE with us, are you not, Beloved?
I had not wanted to go, but with an 11 hour flight, it means I better go, cause I won't be back too soon. And I knew I had to.
I buy white roses at the Forest Lawn flower shop and decide I'd rather place them myself (One can ask for placement inside for an extra $3 fee).
My friends are in the car with me and ask if they should come with me, and I say no. Categorically no. This is my thing to do.
So, I sit in the car and I stall. I really don't want to get out of the car, so I stall. Then, one deep breath, final look at the clock which tells me 10 to 12 noon (so enough time before our flight), and I get out of the car. I refuse to turn around and stare at Forest Lawn for a while, not looking at Holly Terrace.
Then I walk over to the Holly Terrace entrance and am startled by the small side entrance character it has. There are some bouquets of sunflowers in the corner before you walk up to the entrance. I slowly make my way there and stand in front of it like a fool. I don't know what to do with myself.
I decide the roses should be split up and 'guard the door'. Each rose is one of my girls. So, we guard his door. At least for a day...
And then I squat in front of the door, leaning against the wall. Staring at it, trying to understand. And I just start sobbing, sobbing so hard I am shaking, and I want to scream. God, in heaven I SO WANT TO SCREAM!!! "How could you leave us. How could you ever leave us", but I cannot scream, my voice is gone. So my mind screams, oh yeah, my mind really screams! Thank God nobody is there. If I could I would have brought the building down brick by brick. I was so furious. so sad, so lonely. So... lost. This is not closure. This is just tearing it all open again.
I keep sitting in front of Holly Terrace until I somewhat start calming down. This is just so surreal. It's not happening. It cannot, but I know it is. I should leave. We have to catch our flight. I don't want to leave. I did not really want to stay either......
About another hour we are at the airport, and I look at my watch and it is 12. My watch had stopped at 12. At Forest Lawn. At Holly Terrace. Was it when my mind was screaming in pain? I don't know. But I know I was at Holly Terrace from 10 to 12 until 12.30. And all I am thinking now is... maybe he was there with me? Did he hear me?
...with a tender touch you know me so well, somebody once said it's the soul that matters....
You ARE with us, are you not, Beloved?
(((
